Doesn’t it sound impossible to get quality time together after having babies?

You’re annoyed with your partner, you’re exhausted, and you don't feel like your old self. 

What Sex Therapists Want You to Know written by Amy Shearn in the June issue of Parents Magazine, caught my eye and provided great advice for new parents.

IF YOUR SEX LIFE is flatlined, the biggest mistake couples can make is to not communicate with your partner.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Are you stuck in parent mode instead of feeling like a hot sexual being?

2. Do you resent your partner, so it pushes you more apart?

3. Do you assume your partner doesn't find you attractive anymore because you're struggling to lose the pregnancy weight?

4. Are you jealous of your partner's past sexual relationships, and do you still wonder if you're better than them?

5. Do you feel so much pressure because your partner relies on sex to feel loved and to release their anxiety?

If you’re struggling with any of these questions continue reading for some tips to reconnect your intimacy with your partner.

• Try communicating with your partner about your sexual desires, fantasies, and your personal insecurities regarding your sex life. Communication and honesty are always key in a marriage or relationship. Even if you are afraid to say: “I like my vibrator, or to masturbate alone better than sex!” One solution, instead of masturbating separately, is to use the vibrator or toy together.  You would be surprised after listening to your partner, that you may avoid any hurt feelings.

• Women can take up to 10-30 minutes to get into a sexual mindset. Foreplay is a great first step into starting sex. By performing affection with touching, kissing, and massaging with your partner this will instantly make you feel more connected. The secret of great sex is your mind. "Turning on your brain hours or days before you have sex triggers your libido into action." Says relationship columnist Dr Gabrielle Morrissey. 

• In the morning our body has produced sex hormones, including testosterone, overnight and, by day time, they are peaking. You can sneak in a morning glory session before the baby wakes up.  Or even better, use those explosive hormones to your advantage with foreplay throughout the day for a night of passion love making. Instead of a peck and saying "goodbye", try a long sensuous kiss and a hint for sex tonight. That way your partner has sex on the mind all day!

• Once you really dig into personal issues regarding sex, you might find out that sex means very different things to each of you, and you can start using that information to build a more mutually-satisfying sex life.  Have you completed Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages test? Available online at 5lovelanguages.com It can help you learn about how you and your partner express love to others. A great start to understand your partner better.

• It’s incredibly hard to feel sexy when you’re on parent mode, so scheduling a time for some “me (alone) time” is exactly what you need to get in the mood. Put on a movie for the kids and buy yourself the time to mentally think about sex. Try to manifest your ideal intimacy with your partner to bring fruition into the bedroom.

• Think about your top three turn-ons and describe them to your partner - Sari Cooper. Once your partner knows how to turn you on, sex will be a mutual engagement. Effort is key. Sexy lingerie helped my marriage so maybe it can help yours. When I slipped on the sexy lacy nursing bralette that I designed, immediately my husband noticed me as his hot sexy wife. Not the role of a milk-producing nursing mother. Lingerie helped me feel sexy again and with that, it brought back my confidence.

• Feeling pressured to have sex only makes it more difficult. When one partner has more sexual desire than the other, you may feel guilty and obligated to have sex. One therapist, Emily Nagoski, says to take sex off the table completely (for 3 months), “Then you’re taking all the pressure and guilt and shame off the person who has lower desire. It creates space for you to move toward your partner in a gradual, gentle way that never activates that sense of feeling pressured. Once you reset things in this way, you start to see that being delicate about initiating sex goes a long way, and that helps shift how you approach the issue.” It's ok for partners to feel different about sex. The most important part to figure out is how to enjoy having sex together.

• Take a moment. Acknowledge you are enough. You are trying. This is hard, but you both still care. Establishing that intention is critical to improving your relationship.

Good luck during this crazy, rollercoaster, bumpy road time of parenthood. We all struggle in our own ways and the best way to improve this chapter in your life is to bring back the passion with your partner before it's too late. I hope this will help you as it helped with my marriage.

With Love,

Corinne Braunwarth

Owner, Designer, Mom of Oh La Lari®

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